a peek in my head

I think my mind has finally reached its limit. I don’t know how to explain it. But everything is going wrong right now. I’m so sad and messed up on the inside that I feel so numb. I’m in a million pieces on the inside but my body or face is not showing it. I don’t know how to explain it. I think I really want to kill myself. But I don’t think I can do it now. Especially since I’m going to India in a few days. Maybe after I come back. There is no other options. I’m a burden to all the people around me. All the people I come in contact with. Ive cause my parents too much grief over the years. Never made them happy. I have always been a failure. And now i have finally done the one thing I wish I hadn’t done. I have never been a good son. I wish i had but I screwed up all my life. And then there is my gf. Im probably the worst boyfriend alive. I don’t know how to handle anything. I don’t want to hurt her. I like her too much. But my stupidity is going to hurt her. She deserves better. I’m just a douche. She will find someone a hundred times better than me. Someone with so much less problems with their head. So I want it all to stop. I’m want it all to end. if I end my life I’ll only cause a few weeks worth of grief. After that everything will be fine. they will all move on with their lives. Nobody will remember me cause I have only caused sadness in people’s lives so it will hurt just to think about me. So they will all shut me out of their hearts and minds. But there is one problem. I don’t have the balls to take my own life. But on the bright side I have a few weeks to gain the courage to do this. So we will see how everything goes in the next few weeks.